True Elevator Stories

True Elevator Story No. 4

2008-09-10T21:47:00.016-04:00

Vic's Junk

Vic was a prisoner. His real name means "one who confronts". But the men guarding him called him Vic.

The man whom the guards called Vic was earlier caught by authorities while attempting to escape aboard a taxi. He eventually landed in a military compound.

When Vic was five years old, he was committed to an arranged marriage with a seven year-old girl. He saw this girl for the first time on their wedding day. This girl who became his wife was his uncle’s daughter. The series of failed marriages he had was probably the reason why he advised one of his unmarried security guards to find a wife who could cook and clean; one who is not too smart but not too dumb; and one who is not too old but not too young.

Without a wife or his army of housekeepers to do the chores for him inside his prison cell, Vic washed his own clothes in a sink. He even kept a small garden inside his cell. Despite his situation, he was the epitome of cleanliness. He would wash up immediately after shaking hands. He even used baby wipes to clean his eating utensils, meal tray and table before eating.

Vic's favorite breakfast was Raisin Bran Crunch. But he hated Froot Loops. For snack, he loved Cheetos. When the guards ran out of Cheetos, Vic turned cranky. To comfort him, the guards gave him Doritos corn chips. Doritos made him forgot all about Cheetos. It was love at first bite. Vic really fell in love with Doritos. He could finish a family size bag of Doritos in ten minutes.

But Vic had a bigger wish: to be able to speak to his nemesis, George, who was responsible for his incarceration. Not to confront him. But to make friends with him.

But it did not happen.

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Vic did not get his wish.

Because George did not like him.

Because Vic was the former president of Iraq.

Yes, the prisoner who was called Vic by his security guards was Saddam Hussein.

Thanks to hewlettpackard.co.uk for the image

Next: Most rewarding pick-up line. Ever!

True Elevator Story No. 3

2008-09-09T21:50:00.003-04:00

Bill's E-mails
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Internet usage exploded during the presidency of US President Bill Clinton. His political partner, Vice President Al Gore, was even unfairly ridiculed for allegedly claiming that the latter had invented the internet.

After President Clinton left the White House, the Clinton Presidential Foundation conducted an inventory of the e-mails which were sent by President Clinton himself throughout his eight years as US President. They needed it for the archive of the Clinton Presidential Library.

The staff assigned to conduct the e-mail inventory braced themselves for the task at hand. Who wouldn’t be overwhelmed? President Clinton’s aide and cabinet members sent a total of 39,999,998 e-mails during his eight-year presidency. What more could you expect from the US president himself?

The staff started with President Clinton’s first e-mail. Well, it was just a test e-mail which was sent by President Clinton to check whether his e-mail is working properly.

That’s one.

Then they proceeded to President Clinton’s second e-mail. It was an e-mail to former Ohio Senator John Glenn who was in space during that time. The e-mail praised Senator Glenn for his return to space after 40 years.

That’s two.

Then the staff conducting the inventory of President Clinton’s e-mails stopped counting.

They were speechless upon discovering the volume of e-mails that President Clinton sent throughout the eight years that he was the president of the United States of America.

They had to stop after counting the first two e-mails that President Clinton had sent.

They simply could not proceed further.

Because there were no more e-mails to count.

Yes, President Bill Clinton sent a grand total of two e-mails throughout the entire eight years that he was president of the United States of America.

Yes, just those two.
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Thanks to spalding.edu for the image

Next: Gastronomic weapon of mass destruction

True Elevator Story No. 2

2008-09-08T22:59:00.012-04:00

Uncle Sam's Bucks

Much has been written about the color of money. Martin Scorsese and Paul Newman even made a film about it. But not too many people know much about the smell of money.

A recent study showed that most paper money, regardless of currency, contain traces of a harmful substance. This susbstance is so hazardous that most people would not want to have even the slightest contact with it. It damages one's nervous system and appetite which eventually leads to severe malnutrition.

Among European currencies, the Spanish notes were found to have the biggest concentration of this substance. German euros have traces of this substance which were five times lower than the Spanish currency.

Among all world currencies, the biggest concentration of this substance was found in US dollar bills which contain an average of 2.9 to 28.8 micrograms, depending on the age of the bill and the city where it was circulated. At one point, a 1996 dollar bill was found to have as much as 1,300 micrograms of this substance.

The presence of this substance in almost all world currencies is a clear manifestation of the extent to which this substance has wreaked irreversible damage to people who have been highly exposed to it. The destruction which this substance has caused among people transcends social and economic boundaries. This substance has spared no one, from the penniless outcast to the most flamboyant millionaire.

However, while most people cringe at the mere thought of having contact with this substance, some people would do everything to gain possession of even a miniscule amount of this highly expensive substance. Others would kill for it. And some would even die for it.

That’s why the results of this recent study which showed that US dollar bills have the most concentration of this substance would probably change the way you look at US dollar bills.

It would probably change the way you handle the US dollar bills in your pocket.

Because you know now that those US dollar bills in your pocket probably contain that dreaded substance.

Yes, the US dollar bills in your pocket are most likely to contain the substance known as cocaine.

Thanks to wikimedia.com for the image

Next: President's revealing e-mails

True Elevator Story No. 1

2008-09-07T21:25:00.010-04:00

What's It All About, Alfred?

Brilliant filmmaker Alfred Hitchcock was best known for his suspense-filled films. He was an excellent storyteller. Proof of Hitchcock's genius at telling a story was an incident shared by another noted film director, Peter Bognadovich.

The incident happened at the St. Regis Hotel in New York City. Bognadovich confessed that after downing some daiquiris, he became a bit tipsy and Hitchcock turned unusually cheerful. After calling it a night, the duo stepped into the hotel's elevator on the 25th floor.

They were both silent until they reached the 19th floor where three people who were dressed for a night out entered the elevator. Hitchcock suddenly turned to Bognadovich and said, ''Well, it was quite shocking, I must say. There was blood everywhere! There was a stream of blood coming from his ear and another from his mouth.''

As soon as the elevator door opened on another floor, two more people joined them while Hitchcock continued, ''Of course, there was a huge pool of blood on the floor. And his clothes were splattered with blood. Oh, it was a horrible mess. Well, you can imagine the--''

Everyone inside the elevator held his breath as Hitchcock continued, ''--blood all around! Well, I looked at the poor fellow and I asked, 'Good God, what happened to you?' The bloody fellow turned to me.''
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And just as the elevator doors opened onto the lobby, Hitchcock continued, ''And do you know what the poor guy said to me?''. Hitchcock paused.

Expectedly, all the other elevator passengers were reluctant to step out as they eagerly await Hitchcok's next words.

While everyone else stared wide-eyed at Hitchcock, Bognadovich finally asked, ''So what did he say?''

Hitchcock smiled.

Then Hitchcock turned to Bognadovich and calmly said, ''Oh, nothing. That's just my elevator story.''

Thanks to criticsrant.com for the image

Next: Warning: Don't sniff those dollar bills